


By His Own Hand

by 852_Prospect_Archivist



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Angst, Drama, First Times, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 02:55:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/793238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/852_Prospect_Archivist/pseuds/852_Prospect_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blair helps Jim deal with the suicide of  a fellow officer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	By His Own Hand

**Author's Note:**

> all feedback welcome 

## By His Own Hand

by Mia Athlas

Disclaimer: The characters used here, sadly, do not belong to me. They are the property of Pet Fly and UPN. I have received no monetary reward, I do it simply for fun. 

Contains m/m sex. If you are under 18, do not read this. 

* * *

By His Own Hand  
by Mia Athlas 

Blair paused outside the loft door and tried to center himself. 'Okay Sandburg, get it together.' He took a couple of deep breaths. Jim needed him now. He needed him to be strong. It wasn't Jim's fault. Blair had to find some way to convince the big guy of that, whatever it took. 

Blair turned the knob, surprised to find the door unlocked. He quietly entered, immediately spotting his partner on the couch. Blair felt a twinge of sorrow as he watched the Sentinel. Jim was sitting slumped over with his face resting in his hands. For a moment Blair thought that he was crying. He found that the idea shocked him. Blair was uncomfortable with his own reaction. Jim should be allowed to cry. It wasn't weakness, it was human nature. Jim needed to let go of the sorrow and the grief. As Blair moved toward the still figure he realised that Jim wasn't crying, he was sitting rocking slightly back and forth to his own inner rhythm. Jim did not even look up to acknowledge Blair's presence. Blair sat next to his partner and placed a hand on a shaking leg. 

"Jim?" Blair spoke softly, afraid of startling the silent man. He squeezed his friend's leg gently. Jim turned a pale face to him. 

"Blair?" Jim spoke hesitantly. 'What was Blair doing here?' Jim hated how hard it was to focus on Blair's face. He felt like he was floating. In the back of his mind he knew it was shock. "How?" 

Blair smiled gently at Jim's monosyllabic question. "Simon called me." Blair paused taking one of Jim's hands in his own. "I'm so sorry Jim." 

"God Blair. How could I do it?" Jim stood up abruptly shaking free of Blair's grasp and started pacing. "What was I thinking? Stupid. Stupid." Blair stood up and stepped in front of Jim stopping his forward motion. 

"Slow down Jim. It will be okay." Blair winched as soon as the words left his mouth. Jim's face began to redden. 'Better than that white colour', Blair fleetingly thought. 

"Okay!! How can this possibly be okay? He's dead. He was only 20 years old!" Jim slammed his hand down on the kitchen table with enough force to crack the surface. Jim's face contorted with pain. Blair thought it was more phycological than physical. He rushed forward and tried to look at Jim's injured hand. Jim snatched his hand away from his guide. 

"Jim, listen to me. This is not your fault." 

"How can you say that Chief? You don't know." Jim leaned back against the kitchen counter and slid down until he was sitting on the floor, clasping his hand against his chest. His voice lowered to a whisper. "I-I told him to do it." Jim voice broke with the admission but his face was impenetrable. 

"I know Jim." Blair sat beside his friend. At Jim's shocked look Blair continued, "Simon filled me in on what happened and its still not your fault." Jim looked away. 

"I know you want to fix things here Chief, and I love you for it but no matter what you say I caused this." Blair blinked at Jim's choice of words. He loved him for it. If only Jim meant that. Blair focused back in on the conversation. 

"Did you hurt him when he was growing up?" He tapped Jim on the leg to get his attention. "Answer me. Did you abuse him?" Jim sighed and responded tiredly. 

"You know I didn't Chief." 

"Were you responsible for him shooting the suspect?" 

"Of course not." 

"Did you suspend him?" 

"No." 

"Did you put the gun in his hand?" 

"No." 

"Did you pull the trigger?" 

"I might as well have!" Jim cried out as he sprung to his feet and stormed upstairs. Blair sighed and followed Jim up to his room. He found his partner on his back on the bed with one arm slung across his face. 

"Tell me why you think this is your fault Jim?" Blair sat on the bed next to Jim not touching him. He noticed that Jim still had his hand pressed to his chest. He must have hurt it worse than Blair had thought. 

Jim didn't move his arm from his eyes as he spoke softly. "I don't know if I can tell you Blair. I'm afraid I'll see the blame in your eyes." Jim took a shaky breath. "I don't know if I could take that right now." Blair rested a hand on Jim's stomach. 

"Jim, look at me." Blair waited till he lifted his arm and met his eyes. Blair wanted to smooth the wrinkles in Jim's forehead. He wanted to take him in his arms and swear that he would never think badly of him. He wanted to swear his undying love. Instead he rubbed Jim's stomach in a circular motion. "Trust me Jim. Tell me." Jim stayed silent for a moment then began letting the words out. It was like a dam breaking the words spoken so quickly that Blair had to listen carefully to catch them all. 

"I didn't think he was serious about killing himself Blair. I swear I didn't. I've seen young officers go through the doubts that come with taking another life. Hell, I've gone through it myself. The self recriminations. The fear that it wasn't necessary. I should have understood. I should have been able to help him." Jim's voice faded off, lost in his own thoughts. 

"You tried to help him, Jim." 

"I helped him into an early grave." The emotion left Jim's voice. Blair shivered at the coldness in his tone. "I found him on the roof with his gun in his hand. I was impatient. I thought he wasn't serious. I thought that he just wanted attention -- sympathy. How could I have been so heartless, so hard?" Jim felt empty. 

Blair continued his light caressing motion. "You are not hard Jim. You may appear that way sometimes but I know your heart. You are kind. You care. You may have made an error in reading the situation but it wasn't because you didn't care." 

"How do you know that?" 

"I know you Jim. We've worked together, learned together and lived together for more than two years. I know you better than you think. In some ways, I think I know you better than you know yourself. The man I know would never hurt anyone if there was another way." 

"Thank you Blair." Jim looked directly into Blair's eyes. "I told him that he wasn't going to kill himself. I told him if he wanted to die then to go ahead and pull the trigger. I told him if he were serious he wouldn't be talking to me, he would have already done it." Jim's eyes showed his inner turmoil. "H-he just looked at me, completely still for a heartbeat. Then he smiled and I thought it was going to be okay. I held out my hand for his gun. I was so sure he would just hand it over." Jim's eyes started to fill. "H-he whispered so softly that no one but me would have heard, 'you're right . . . why am I talking to you'. I knew at that moment that I had made a horrible mistake but it was over before I could move. He died instantly, the bullet took out the back of his skull." 

A single silent tear made a path down Jim's cheek. Blair reached up and wiped it away, cupping Jim's cheek in his hand. 

"Oh Jim. I'm so sorry man. You must realize that he would probably have done it no matter what you said. If not at that moment, then later. You tried to reach him. You used your best judgement." 

Jim angrily brushed Blair's comforting hand away. "If that was my best judgement, what in the hell am I doing in this profession?" Blair put a restraining hand on Jim's chest when he would have risen, careful not to jostle his injured hand. 

"Listen to me Jim, just for a minute okay?" Jim grudgingly settled back down. 

"How many times have you been in that situation?" At Jim's confused look Blair elaborated. "How many times have you been faced with someone who wanted to take their own life?" 

"A few." Jim admitted. 

"How many were you able to help?" 

Jim thought back, his mind shifting through other incidents during his time in the military and the police department. He had helped most of the time either by words or more frequently by force. "Most of them Blair. What difference does that make here? This time I helped him to make the decision to kill himself. The others seem empty somehow." Jim frowned. Blair's heart contracted at the defeat he saw in the blue eyes he cherished. 

"Jim, it may seem that way now. You're tired, its too close. You need to sleep, tomorrow we will talk more okay?" 

"I'm so tired Blair," Jim said with a hitch in his voice. "I wish I could sleep but every time I close my eyes he's there." Blair studied his partner noting the exhaustion and depression on his face. He loved Jim and maybe now was the time to show him. He was pretty sure that Jim felt the same. They had been throwing around huge hints to each other for weeks now. Maybe the time had come to stop playing and put it all on the line. If nothing else, it would take Jim's mind off the suicide. Blair made his decision. 

"Jim." Blair waited until Jim looked at him. "Let me love you." Jim froze and stared at his partner then closed his eyes slowly. Blair decided to take that as a yes and leaned forward till his lips were almost touching Jim's. 

"Just say stop and I will." Blair closed the short distance and rested his lips on his partner's in a gentle non-demanding kiss. Blair felt a tingle in his lips. He parted his lips slightly and experimentally darted his tongue out to touch Jim's lips. He drew his tongue down the length of his partner's lips then continued down his neck, licking tenderly, tracing a collarbone. He felt a shiver run through the big body beneath him and shifted so that he straddled Jim's still form. Blair brought his mouth back up to Jim's lips and settled down for another kiss. The moment their lips met Blair felt Jim's lips part in invitation, his heart did a small jump of joy. Blair accepted the invitation and tried to pour all the love he felt for this man into the kiss. He became lost in the sensation of Jim's tongue moving against his own. The kiss ended as Blair's head swam with the need for oxygen. 

Blair climbed off Jim and began to unbutton his partner's shirt. Blair caught his breath as the magnificent chest was revealed to him. He skimmed his hands lightly over hard muscles and firm nipples. Blair glanced up at Jim's face and saw his eyes were open, watching him. Jim's sad eyes were dark with arousal. Blair tugged at his shoulder and Jim leaned forward so that Blair could slip his shirt off. Blair leaned forward and kissed Jim's shoulder then pressed him back to the bed. 

"This is for you big guy." Blair whispered as he released the button and zipper on Jim's pants before slipping his hand inside to grasp his partially erect cock. Jim gasped and arched his back as Blair firmly grasped his erection. Blair used the movement to slide Jim's pants and underwear down his legs. He released Jim as he scooted off the bed to remove socks, shoes, pants then sighed as Jim was finally nude. Blair stared into Jim's eyes. 

"Beautiful, man. I love you." Blair shook his head slightly as Jim opened his mouth to reply and Jim stayed silent. Blair quickly undressed as Jim watched. Blair smiled at his partner as he noticed how Jim's breathing became more ragged as he removed his clothes. 

Blair climbed back up on the bed and laid full length against his partner engaging him in a heated kiss. They licked, sucked and stroked with their tongues and lips, content to kiss and familiarize themselves intimately with this part of each other. Blair's lips were red and swollen when he finally pulled away and kissed his way down Jim's shaking body. Blair gently took Jim's erection into his mouth. He wanted this first time to be gentle and sweet. More comforting than erotic. Blair backed off and licked the sides and head of Jim's weeping erection before taking it back into his mouth, moving smoothly up and down the shaft. 

"God yes Blair. Just like that." Jim moaned deep in his chest and thrust his hips slightly. "This is what I want, what I need. Take me, make me come." Jim whispered urgently to his guide. 

Blair sped up his movements and caressed Jim's balls with one hand the other going down to his own erection and stroking with a firm grasp. The taste of Jim's erection in his mouth and the moans of his partner above him was too much for Blair and he felt his body tense and moaned around Jim's erection as he came. 

Jim felt Blair come and the vibration of his moan against his cock. He let the waves of his own orgasm take him. 

Blair felt Jim's body freeze for an instant, then his mouth was flooded with the essence of his partner. Blair swallowed until Jim was spent then quickly licked the rest of the fluid away before climbing back up to share Jim's taste with him. 

Blair leaned down to kiss Jim and was surprised to find the big man's face wet with tears. Blair rubbed his cheek against his partner's. 

"Jim, are you all right?" Blair leaned back to look at Jim. 

"No Blair. Would you stay with me tonight?" Jim hated the pleading sound in his voice but he didn't want Blair to leave him alone with his demons tonight. He breathed a sigh of relief when Blair nodded. Jim reached up and pulled Blair down beside him clutching him tight against his chest. He loosened his grip slightly at Blair's gasp of pain. 

"Sorry." 

"Its okay Jim, just not quite so tight okay?" Blair wrapped his arms around Jim pressing his face against his chest. "Are you okay with this Jim?" Blair held his breath as he waited for Jim to answer. 

"Yes love. I've waited for you for a long time. Now that I have you I don't intend on ever letting you go." Blair smiled against Jim's chest. 

"Thank God . . . and Jim . . . everything will work out. It wasn't your fault." 

"Just hold me tight tonight Blair. The rest, I'll deal with tomorrow." Jim closed his eyes and safe in the embrace of his guide, let sleep take him into its warm cocoon. 

Blair lay awake listening to the steady breathing of his Sentinel. He gently examined Jim's hand as he slept. It looked okay except for the bruising but he would make sure a doctor looked at it. Tomorrow he would find a way to convince Jim that the officer's death wasn't his fault. Tonight he would stand guard against the nightmares that were sure to come. 

The end 

* * *

End By His Own Hand. 

 


End file.
